Sunday, November 3, 2013

10 Ways to Hold Your Baby

In an effort to promote awareness for all the babies' daddies out there I have created the following instructional tutorial complete with pictorial demonstrations on different ways to hold your own human responsibility.

1. The Standard One Arm Hip Hold
An easy hold that keeps your arm feeling energized while distributing baby's weight across your own orthopedic structure.

2. The Football Hold
Secure infant while stiff-arming any unwanted well wishers. 

3. The Puppy Hold
Grasp firmly by the scruff of the onesie and lift with mammalian maternal care.  

4. The Two Arm Rock-A-Bye
Effective hold for rocking baby to sleep.  Recommended when patience for crying is wearing thin.

5. The Chest to Chest
Constant victory chest pump for engendering such a champ.

6. The Reverse Cradle
All the benefits of the Two Arm Rock-A-Bye with the added perk of full baby vision which decreases fussiness. 

7. The Pride Rock Presentation
Sure way to impress admiring onlookers.  Great after blessings.

8. The Front Facing Chair Lift
Secure hold that satisfies baby's curiosity and protects holder from erratic kicking.

9. The He Just Spit Up; Hold Away from Your Shirt Hold
Maximizes distance between regurgitated curdling milk from your own button up.  Gives holder time to think of an appropriate clean up solution. 

10. The He Smells Bad Requesting Assistance Hold
When you can't do it on your own hold baby away from person until you can call for back up. Sometimes you need a tag team clean up crew.